


However Mournfully He May.

by orphan_account



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-13
Updated: 2013-07-14
Packaged: 2017-12-05 04:33:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/718935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian is dead, and Hunter can’t change that fact, no matter how much he might want to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Though He'd Never Show It.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian has been acting off all day, and Hunter has been concerned, though he’d never show it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written to vent.

Sebastian has been acting off all day, and Hunter has been concerned, though he’d never show it.

When he walks into their dorm room to find something, he doesn’t notice anything is strange. The bathroom door is shut, but Hunter doesn’t pay it any mind.

He roots through his drawers looking for the object, yelling at Sebastian to ask if he’s seen it. He gets no response, but assumes it’s because Sebastian is either busy masturbating or just being a difficult asswipe.

He finally finds what he’s looking for and leaves the room, sarcastically thanking Sebastian for his helpfulness. He doesn’t come back again for several hours.

* * *

The bathroom door is still shut when he returns later. He knocks on it and asks what the hell Sebastian is doing in there. Nothing is said. There’s not even any noise. Hunter feels slight worry starting to creep into him, his expression twisting ever so slightly.

He tries to open the door, but finds that it’s been locked from the inside. He starts to panic internally, starting to yank on the door with more force. He hasn’t seen Sebastian since he retreated to their dorm at lunch, he’d been so depressive all day and Hunter had wanted to say something, to help… he wonders if he should have.

He bangs on the door, and yells at Sebastian to open it. There’s still no response. Hunter breathes heavily and tries to calm himself down. He’s overreacting. Sebastian probably went to Scandals and got drunk, he always does that when he’s depressed… but… the door is locked from the inside.

* * *

He manages to break the lock, not once in his haste thinking to grab the spare key, and he’ll blame himself for it later, wonder if the time he spent smashing open the door was what let it happen, he won’t forgive himself for that, he'll never let it go.

His breath catches in his throat at the sigh he’s greeted by. The bathtub is red, and Sebastian is almost as pale as the porcelain it’s made of. Someone starts screaming, and Hunter is too stricken to realise that it’s him.

* * *

The paramedics take Sebastian’s body away. Hunter wants to yell at them not to. He wants to scream and kick and cry and punch something, anything. He feels so angry and frustrated, all he wants is to scream at the top of his lungs, with everything in him, as though it would actually make things better.

Nick and Jeff are staring at him from out in the hallway where he stands, expressions of sympathy and pity on their faces. He almost hits one of them. Both of them. Eventually he walks back into his dorm, locking the door behind him.

* * *

Sebastian didn’t show much. Hunter shared a room with him and knew more of him than anyone else ever could have, and even he didn’t know enough. Sebastian was haughty, self absorbed. A smarmy jerk who thought he was God’s gift to the world. He was more miserable than anyone Hunter had ever met, and he hid it so well.

Hunter caught glimpses, but he never saw enough to figure it out. He should have. He should have know. He should have seen, even if Sebastian had never wanted him to.

He’ll never forgive himself for this. He’ll go over it in his mind, a thousand times a day, playing out every possible scenario where things would end differently. It’s never going to stop.

He’s crying uncontrollably now, his body wracked with sobs and he slides down against the door, he wishes he’d been able to help, feels like he deserves to be the one who died… though he’d never show it.


	2. Life Goes On.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life goes on, and he will go on with it.

Life goes on.  
There’s a part of Hunter that hates it, the fact that everything around him continues on as it normally would, like nothing ever happened.

But it’s impossible to ignore.

* * *

Sebastian’s side of the room was emptied out soon enough, and Hunter almost begged Sebastian’s parents not to collect their son’s things. They were all he had left. The half-empty room felt foreign to him afterwards. He couldn’t sleep at night, when he looked over from his bed at where Sebastian used to sleep, and snore, and, unfortunately, masturbate rather frequently, regardless of whether Hunter was in the room, awake or not.

They had to find a fill-in for Sebastian’s spot in the Warblers, there was an empty space in their dance numbers, and Hunter had given him too many solos. Nick was ecstatic to take them in Sebastian’s place, even if it was tinged with melancholy at the reason.

The other Warblers had tried to convince him to hang out with them more often, suggested that it wasn’t healthy for Hunter to remain cooped up in that horrible, horrible dorm all the time, filled with nothing but an empty reminder that something, someone, was gone, and was never going to come back.

Hunter refused. The Warblers were his friends, but… it’s not the same. He couldn’t just fill the void that’s been left by throwing other people in Sebastian’s place. It wasn't a dance number, it didn’t work like that.

* * *

Blaine, and some other members of New Directions that Hunter didn’t know or care about, gave their condolences. Hunter noted, with an oddly petty feeling, that Blaine seems honestly distraught.

A very, very cold part of Hunter wanted to taunt him, suggest that maybe if Blaine had come back, Sebastian wouldn’t have done it.

He refrained. He knew he only wanted to say it so he could shift the blame and try to get rid of the heavy feeling that had been weighing down on him. It had been killing him enough just to think about it, and no matter how cruel he might be, he couldn't fathom forcing that pain onto someone else, not even Blaine.

* * *

Jeff dragged him out of his room on a Friday, making him come to the Warbler’s monthly movie night. Hunter was irate and frustrated throughout the entire film, and he snapped at anyone who tried to so much as look at him. He retreated back to his room, fuming, and didn’t come out for the rest of the weekend.

Hunter tried to put everything he had into the Warblers, ignoring everything else, most of all the gnawing guilt in the back of his mind that kept telling him, over and over, that he could’ve stopped it. He shut it out, and pretended he never felt that way at all.

* * *

He knew it was going too far to suggest drug use to the Warblers, he wasn't even surprised by Trent walking out on him. He didn’t know what possessed him to bring it up in the first place, except, really… He knew it was all he had then, the obsession with winning, the need to do better, it was how he was coping, and it wasn't working very well.

Trent talked to him later, at dinner, ignored Hunter’s glare and sat with him regardless. Hunter was partially grateful that the first thing he said was not yet another “are you okay?”, but the conversation made annoyance spark in Hunter’s mind nonetheless.

He didn’t need to be told that he was suffering, that he wasn’t coping properly, that he needed to talk to someone and admit that he wasn’t okay. He knew those things, and he didn’t need to hear them. He ordered Trent to leave him alone, and Trent, thankfully, backed off, albeit regretfully.

Hunter continued to eat alone.

* * *

Hunter wonders, absently, in the back of his mind, one day in the Lima Bean, how Sebastian would feel about all his moping. Flattered, probably, he decides. Then… annoyed. Sebastian would probably tell him to suck it up and get over it.

Hunter would tell him to go fuck himself. He doesn’t need to listen to Sebastian, or anyone else. If he’s going to mope, then he’s going to fucking mope.

It puts things into perspective for Hunter, that single stray thought.

* * *

Hunter isn’t okay, not immediately, not even after a few months. It stills weighs on him, in the back of his mind, but that’s okay. Sebastian is dead, he slit his wrists in the bathtub in their dorm room, and Hunter can’t change that fact, no matter how much he might want to.

And that’s okay.

Life goes on, and he will go on with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for the purpose of venting, yet again.


End file.
